In control

Apparently the last time I wrote here, some time in August,

I was feeling outside of control.

In the preceding spring, that control was lost because I didn’t have boundaries set regarding my time,

and helped coach a youth soccer team with my brothers. I knew from the start that

it was not a good idea, it drained me completely, and my music ambitions suffered as a result.

People often ask how the music practice doesn’t burn me out, but if anything,

the music practice rejuvenates me. It feeds my soul. It’s the thing giving me meaning above most others.

Rather, it’s been my inability to set boundaries outside of practice that leads to my downfalls.

Khanyways, I managed to make it through soccer season with this music project on life support.

So like any smart person, I though, let’s start dating! And the fuck, I found someone who I really enjoyed

spending time with and found myself extending past the boundaries I was setting, and again, finding

that I was edging myself closer and closer to a burnout.

But I’m happy to announce that by this point I had matured enough to recognize some underlying issues,

and began to address them more earnestly than I had at any point in the past. I worked on understanding

where my emotions were coming from and how to recognize and speak to them (instead of running away

from them, ignoring them, or feeling ashamed by them). And I took a big step in finally addressing what my

issues with boundaries were, and have been investing the resources in order to build that bridge,

and build it really fucking good!

I’m feeling back in control. I’m feeling musical. I’m feeling me.

I’m feeling like I’m learning musically and personally, and that is one hell of a combination!

Fuck yea, boi!

Goodday

Hmm.

Not really sure what I’m doing here.

Well, I think I’m gonna start doing,

or trying to do,

or trying to think about doing,

my pre- and post- practice routines again

of discussing my mood and checking my headspace,

as well as hyping myself up for the day and

coming down a little more thoughtfully.

Yeah, we’ll see!

Feel like I might have the autopilot

on too much with music at the moment,

and need to regain a bit of intentional control.

Bass fun again

The past month or so of bass, the grooves have all been really fast,

so fast that I’ve maybe brought one up to speed to jam with the play along,

and I really was losing interest. However, the course may have finally shifted

off of the speed focus, and I’m really enjoying the bass once again!

(Well I’m always enjoying slap, but now the regular bass is fun again, too)

So much anger today!

Damn I was really pissed at the drums today.
Specifically the kick pedal, and how my foot didn’t feel right on it.

Author’s update, July 24 2025:

The kick might just be saved. My god, it’s feeling g o o d.

Author’s update, August 2 2025:

I think one thing I gotta realize is that new styles of music

and grooves, as well as placements of the kick drum,

will make the kick pedal feel heavy and awkward,

and that it will naturally regain fluency with practice

and familiarity to the newer material.

The worst thing is changing the kit setup in those

moments, which is something I have done

with frequency.

Write down the key

in

Pro tip: write stuff down.

For example, if doing scale exercises, write down the key you’re in or you might forget!

If you do forget, you might begin to fear that you’ve been doing the same exercise wrong for several months.

All the while, your cup of coffee is getting cold, and my god it tastes so much better when it’s warm!

You might be able to avoid this experience if you write down the key you’re in!

Speed

in
 
 

Gosh, I have really, painfully noticed that I am not going easy on myself with my kick pedal speed.

I’m actually very proud of what I can do with my feet on the drums,

I can play everything kick intensive I’ve learned at goal tempo, and I’ve ventured into learning songs that require feet.

But a pernicious thought has manifested in my head, that I don’t need to grind the slow tempos like before.

Instead I’ve been rushing to goal tempo and spending only a few brief moments building up to competency at full speed.

Often, this results in me finding the right feel for a day, or for a specific block of practice, before losing it.

Then I get really fucking frustrated and upset at myself, question if I’m wasting my time, and re-arrange 10 things at once, which results in a big mess and a good chunk of time cleaning up.

Breathe.

If you can play something slow.

If you can really play it slow, you can play it fast.

So instead of moving on once you hit goal tempo, instead of grinding like an idiot until you hit an arbitrary number,

grind until you can feel it, grind until you understand it, and then coast on it.

Take your foot off the gas, revisit it, and take it easy if you really want to understand what’s under the hood.

I hope I understand what I’m writing :D

Author’s note added June 22 2025: Feet are feeling much better! It took some serious patience and meditation, but I made some changes that have my feet feeling intact! Will this positive feeling of feetability continue? Time will tell!

Back

Phew.

May was a very busy month.

If it were any busier, I’m not sure I would’ve made it back here, or perhaps I’m not giving enough credit to myself.

But anyways, I’m back, I feel great and so glad to be back on the music train!

Just gotta remember to breathe

Cheers!

Woops, I almost forgot!

This song came on during my 2 week hiatus, and the lyric,

“But if you don’t ever try / How can you give it one more try?”,

kept ricocheting around in my head, challenging my commitment to finding meaning in this life.

Challenge accepted, I guess.

 
 

Feeling musical

in

I’ve been feeling more musical.

Been feeling like I’ve beem moving more easily between practice material.

Feeling much less reliant on the metronome.

Been feeling progressions when I hum a random tune.

Been feeling the urge to switch from practicing to playing songs.

Been feeling good!

fill up

in

meditation is like gas for your car.

while we need it to go,

we’re often in such a hurry, 

or running behind in life,

that we’d rather avoid it

and risk running empty 

than to stop and fill up

Author’s note:

Thanks to having set a pretty strict Mon-Fri schedule,

I’m really feeling the benefit of the weekly meditations!

But, I really am struggling to meditate on the weekends. 

Crazy how a schedule gets you to do the things you

value the most, and how easy it is to not do those things when you have the time…

But, this weekend, I will fucking meditate (at least twice)!

music youtube

in

There is one main indicator I’ve noticed that shows when I’m in a productive flow:

I start listening to jazz. It just happens. I first noticed it about 15 years ago, and it continues to this day.

There is another indicator, specifically related to music practice:

I search out YouTube for help because something isn’t working practice-wise.

However, this indicator has friendly fire enabled.

Because in a moment like that, I’m likely going to YouTube feeling defeated.

Something is wrong and I need advice to find a path to a solution.

You might find that path, but a problem like this takes a long time to resolve,

so you will arrive at the destination at an unknown time in the future.

Alas, having found what you needed (or not), you pack up your things and get ready to log off the Tube,

and do your best to quiet those unsure, anxious feelings about when you might finally arrive at that destination.

But before you make it out the door,

YouTube tastes blood in the water

and sinks their algo-fangs into you,

with a deadly attack of the flashiest, most amazing

1-minute musical performances you’ve ever seen,

because you searched “how to + on guitar/drums/bass”.

And you might think, God, I really suck!

Why even bother?

The moral of the story:

be weary of where you seek help!

Kanreki

in

With my recent interest on the relationship between life and death,

I’ve had the good chance to bump into the Japanese tradition of Kanreki.

From how I understand it,

Kanreki is a symbolic rebirth celebrated when you turn 60.

Perhaps my musical and personal journey is gearing me up for that rebirth?

When I think in this scope, I feel so relaxed. The anxiety to rush ahead is gone.

I’m so young, and there is so much time to embrace until I am born again!

And then once I am reborn, what will I do?

So many possibilities!

But perhaps I am being too naive.

Can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Can an old dog learn new tricks?

^ This is a terrible way to frame the question, grounded in prejudice and self-loathing.

An old dog.

What a terrible way to see yourself. What a terrible way to see others.

Where is this coming from?

What importance does age have in this case?

Why does it seem like we are always putting young age and old age in opposition?

Why when I look up the antonym of youth, the majority of words have such negative connotations?


I hope if I found this after 60, that I would still realize how arbitrary the number is.

It could be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, etc.

There are a few people in my life who seek a rebirth,

but it doesn’t appear they think of it in those terms.

However you think about it though, rebirth is always available,

and I hope they realize that.

Though, to be fair,

easier said than done.

I have others yet in my life who think

rebirth should never be an option.

You make a choice and live with the consequences.

No change.

Ever.

How fucking sad :(

Without change we’re already death.

Not a natural death, which I feel is actually very dynamic and alive.

But a manmade death, which often starts rotting in our brains prior to natural death,

and makes us foolishly fear the thing we already are, or fear we will become.

Gosh I feel so stupid — so, here’s to stupidity!

And here’s to Kanreki!

Even though I think it’s better to celebrate a sort of Kanreki everyday,

I am nonetheless very excited for what my 60th will bring :)

Next project

in

I’ve had death on the mind.

Maybe someday I’ll fear it uncontrollably like a normal person,

but I’m fairly gucci with that ambiguously non-ambiguous finale to our lives!

I’d like to focus on death in a positive sense by framing it in more floral imagery,

or maybe more contradictory imagery? IDK but I’ll figure something out.

Lately I just can’t shake the feeling that death should be as beautiful as birth,

but maybe I’m wrong?


We’ll see!

But I’m pretty excited to see how it turns out.

I’ll put some pictures here eventually.

Author’s note:

Holy smokes!

I’ve been writing again, and I didn’t even need a smart phone notification.

And what I’m writing is coming from within my own head — neat!

Author’s note 2:

The thing that concerns me most frequently about dying

is that I could unexpectedly leave someone with a traumatic mess,

so here’s to a quick cleanup!

The "result"

in

Dang, bro!

Feeling pretty proud of myself for getting some things done.

I’m not sure what’s different, in fact, I didn’t even practice any music last week,

but I’m feeling positively optimistic.

Maybe I’m just getting better at setting priorities?

I'm not sure, part is even a bit skeptical about how I’m feeling.

Shouldn’t I be more frustrated and anxious given how I spent last week?

Hmm.

You know what, I think it might have to do with creating things.

I put it off, and sitting with idle creativity can be a real schore

Even though I’m sure everything artistic I did this past week is absolutely awful

^ That’s 100% how I would have felt before before about making things.

^And likely why that creativity was sitting in the noggin for so long.

Hmm.

I’m seeing a pattern:t you just do, and be present for the doing.

The “result” is the process and how it makes you feel throughout

Whereas putting the result in the end product has been a huge mistake!

Survival Rights©

in

we

are not 

afraid of AI

we’re afraid of not being able 

to survive off the things

that we find beautiful,

which AI is stealing

so that it can steal 

the survival those

things provided

us 

Is death a tropical vacation?

in

If life can be worse than death, 

so much so that some people volunteer to die,

is death never worse than life,

since no one who made that choice,

(or had death chosen for them)

has ever come back from it? 

Author’s note:

I’m not feeling suicidal in the slightest.

But the more I think about death,

the less I fear it.

I think the first few times you really sit in the idea of death,

it can be overwhelming.

But like with all great things,

it can be a bad idea to rush into it too fast.

Especially since I only see death villainized:

when we sit with our thoughts of death,

thoughts we’ve been told to ignore,

run in fear of, hold prejudice against,

to arm ourselves with every supplement

that Amazon could possibly sell you

in the fleeting hope of escaping it,

we are more rude to death

than death would ever be to us.

And probably it’s not even death we’re fearing,

it’s the people like us who might fling it upon us

in the cruelest ways we can imagine.

At this moment,

I believe I was born from death.

And I will die into death.

I’m not even sure how different this

‘life’ is from ‘death’.

Hmm, who knows!

I do know, that death scares me less than it did yesterday.

And the more I think about it, the more ready I am

for its assured embrace.

Ideas

in

Sometimes my ideas feel very heavy,

like I could never lift them.

The longer they sit in my head,

the more burdensome they become.

But if I can get any kind of motion behind an idea,

it immediately feels lighter.

An idea in motion eventually turns into creation. 

And a creation, regardless the quality,

feels so dang good.

02/23/25

in

Today was the most productive weekend I can remember. Like dang. I really managed my time quite well and did a great job sticking to the top priorities on the list. deep sigh filled with satisfaction

I wonder if I can do it again.

Challenge accepted.