I’ve had many disruptions while doing this project.
If I were to look at the archived practice videos on YouTube,
there are 2 separate 1 year breaks where I plummeted
into the gap between the values I practiced and the
values I aspired to (among many shorter breaks
ranging from days to months).
But that’s awesome.
I’m so proud of myself for taking those breaks.
I’m sure at the time I didn’t know why I was taking them,
I sure as hell didn’t want to take them, and I continue
to struggle with taking breaks and dealing with other interruptions.
But I’ve proven to myself that I’m worth taking those breaks in order
to continue the more important project of self discovery
and realizing the person I want to be.
Maybe it’s hubris, but if if I had grinded the music aspect
nonstop by choosing to jettison the self-work journey,
I would likely be a top tier musician in the world today. However,
I would unquestionably also be a top tier piece of shit in the world today.
I understand now that self work is disruptive by design.
Like Brené Brown writes, this work shines a light into
the darkest corners of who we are. Dark corners that require
anywhere from merely placing a light, to complete
demolitions and rebuilds underneath our sense of self.
I’m proud to have failed so many times in the course of
this project. And despite the quantity of failure,
I’ve never once been a failure.